With the Olympics playing in the background I continue to feel a push to work on my memoir. I have shared some of it and I have come out of the closet as a writer. But there is this reluctance to write daily, to actually practice the craft. I think some of this relates to living in a society where peak performance is valued. The self doubt created by thinking I can enter the big leagues and actually write is a big inhibitor.
I’ve decided that writing from that point of view is a real show stopper. The biggest reward I have gained from journaling, putting a poem on paper or just blogging here is the awakening of spirit. It isn’t the audience I’m here to please or the thrill of being in the game. The real payback is talking to myself — the scared self speaking to the more enlightened self.
Last weekend I went on a silent retreat. It allowed my muse to come forth without the noise I usually experience in every day life. The muse said, “Get on with it”. I said well I not quite ready. I haven’t bought a plant for my desk yet and that was on my list after creating writing space. Besides the scared self said, “If I buy a plant now it will die when I leave for a two week vacation in late Auguat”. More enlightened me said, ” So buy any old plant and put it outdoors while you are away. You shouldn’t buy a treasured orchid anyway. Just do something.” Yesterday I was picking up a few items at the Food Lion and that voice said, “Theres a plant. It has pretty red flowers. Buy it.” And so I did.
This was the last item on my list of things to do before I go to the starting line. My $2.99 little plant sits on my desk like a beacon. Reminding me to write. So here I am, just writing my thoughts and not playing games.